Uncultured swine!
Thank goodness you’re here, because I think I have shocking taste in lovers. It’s not that all of them are bad people, it’s that I have narrow attraction-Venn diagram and so far, a 0% success rate. To diagnose my missteps, we’re looking at some artist’s I’d b-line for at a dinner party and why it might lead to wiser friends reprimanding me for messaging them again.
Maggie, no.
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1. Amedeo Modigliani
Star sign: Cancer Occupation: Painter and sculpture Hobbies: Fashion & pain meds
Bachelor number one is Amedeo Modigliani, an Italian modern artist between 1890 - 1920. Problematic lite*, he dressed snappy with a hint of schleppy (my achilleas heal), was an alt artist, bucking the ‘ism’ trend in France at the time (e.g. futurism, cubism, fauvism), and was complete chaos of a man (but with the face of Adonis!).
I can see it now: me in his messy studio, him looking trendy but dishevelled (owing to his many addictions) and handing me wine in a mug that I drink on the lone floor mattress. Modigliani had ample lovers but his largest ended in a very Sid & Nancy fashion, minus the homicide. Could’ve been me.
2. Anaïs Min & Henry Miller
Star sign: Aquarius & Capricorn Occupation: Writers Hobbies: Dirty talk
I could do without Henry Miller tbh and so will. Min is fascinating, her ownership of sexual expression is a reminder pervasive ‘modesty’ of generations past is modern fabrication and that, even in the 1930’s, I’d have been a prude. She was an erotic novelist, bigamist, philanderer and married a 28yr old man at the age of 44.
Subversive? or red flaggy? You tell me. She did have an incestuous relationship with her father after 20yrs of estrangement. Ok, I’m hearing it! And have talked myself out of this infatuation. Thanks anyway!
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3. Edouard Manet
Star sign: Aquarius Occupation: Painter Hobbies: Bar wenches
Fuck off with Aquarians, they’ve given me too much grief already (formal apology to editor, Grace, who is one). Unfortunately, 1860’s impressionist painter, Manet, is just my type. Rebellious, creative, over-confident to the point of obnoxious: it’s the golden triad for indie girlies with flimsy self-esteem.
He certainly wasn’t a vagabond of Modigliani’s ilk, though he exposed the smutty playgrounds of his bourgeois peers by painting brothels, bars and students… lunching? Gives Matty Healy energy: the only self-made thing about him was his problems. Doesn’t matter! Both have my vaginal vote!
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4. Aleksandr Petrovsky
Star sign: Taurus on vibes only Occupation: Large-scale light installations Hobbies: Undermining Billy Joel fans and women
Born in the ‘Sex and The City’ universe, Petrovsky is most known for being columnist and every-woman, Carrie Bradshaw’s, lover. Affectionately, and now problematically, coined “The Russian”, Petrovsky was a light installation artist, insomniac and espresso-addict (the two seem related no?) with permanently tousled hair and, one hopes, an electrical license. He also had my affections.
An aloof sort, I like to think we’d have happy parallel lives with our shared panic disorders and penchant for espresso (the two seem related no?). “You are… comic?” Petrovsky may ask. Baby, I have a whole routine because of men like you.
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5. Mary Wollstonecraft
Star sign: actually Taurus Occupation: Writer, philosopher and feminist Hobbies: Frivolity and hysteria
Mary Wollstonecraft was on Billie Eilish’s mind when she said, “I'm physically attracted to them [women]. But I'm also so intimidated by them.” This speculation is substantiated by Wollstonecraft being against marriage, into taking lovers and an author on gender equality in 1750, whilst also getting married and being tortured by jealousy over a sub-standard ex.
270yrs on and still relatable, how depressing! She lived with contradictions but fought for the right to do so, which is, in my books, very sexy behaviour. Premonition: my emotional availability gives her the ick.
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6. Gustav Klimt
Star sign: Cancer Occupation: Painter Hobbies: Beach
Klimt sending me letters but it’s a public-health leaflet urging me to get tested for syphilis <3. Man lived by the post and died by the post: he loved doing the paintings and doing the women (sometimes both at once) until the cruel STI took his life in 1918.
The Austrian painter was a cuddly bear who’s golden craft dazzled and who’s progressive values were indomitable, even in the face of WWI’s secularism. If he’s the bear, I’m the honey. Call me crazy for loving a m*n with syphilis - it’s not me, it’s late stages of the disease.
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7. Maggie Jean
Star sign: Sagittarius Occupation: Sure Hobbies: Self-promotion
I, a tepid, had-an-antihistamine-once, Rooney-esque mess, rifled through occupations before a confluence of bad fortune, otherwise known as a bag of dicks, led to a breakdown almost a year ago to the day. From the doldrums I decided if I can’t get what I want, I’ll just do what I want.
And that kernel led to this. I’m an obnoxious artist now! Dating me would be: me, dishevelled from 14hrs of Gilmore Girls, giving you wine out of a mug which we’d drink on a mattress in my musty van before your wise friends caution you to never message me again! Rejoice!
If you want to humble yourself, put yourself in a list with Klimt and Modigliani. Any comments or thoughts on what disorders I might have in choosing lovers, I’m all ears!
Our relationship is super healthy tho, love you'se all, spesh Grace who edits this and doesn’t even get mad (to my face).
C U Next Tuesday, luve
Maggie jeannnnnnnn xxoxoxoxoox
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