Big f*cking week uncultured swine,
Got assignments, painting comps and articles demanding attention but the fact is I’m a depressed, single, white woman, so, Taylor Swifts new album decimated my productivity. I shudder to think what my pretentious younger self would’ve made of this but that bitch hadn’t been through what I been through. It’s a truth universally acknowledged: happy people listen to Elliott Smith, sad people listen to Taylor Swift.
None of us deserve my Aldi review of The Tortured Poets Department, there are plenty of comprehensive reviews and deep dives already. Instead, I’ve made a glossary of terms so you can nod your head for the girlies who need you to comprehend ~the tea~ for their mental health.
“What the fuck did Joe do to this woman?”
A ROOKIE ERROR I made within the first 7 songs of this never-ending album. Taylor Swift and Joe Alwyn’s (who?) 6yr relationship ended at the start of 2023. I’m sure the broad is upset about it on some level but the album suggests he’s only been allocated a few fucks.
“The cursed May 3 Concert”
By May 2023, Swift stares down the barrel of a camera on her Era’s tour and mouths “This is about you. You know who you are. I love you.” A rumour no one wanted confirmed was when, on May 3rd, Matty Healy of The 1975 reciprocated with, “This is about you. You know who you are. I love you,” at his concert. Good sex will melt your brain.
~sobs and dances like it’s her birthday~
Me about 20 minutes ago to ‘I Can Do It With a Broken Heart.’
“Please don’t use that type of language around him”
This would be in reference to ‘loml’ (love of my life) and the title track ‘The Tortured Poets Department’ being about aforementioned 1975 frontman Matty Healy.
For extra credit:
Healy is an unwashed, eloquent, floppy haired man with a bigoted, misogynistic streak, nasty drug habit, and back catalogue of references designed to condescend you. In other words, he’s very attractive. She: a billionaire and most popular performing artist in the world. He: ghosts her after a month and, now, has a dedicated album. This is how a billionaire stays relatable.
“fuck me up Florida!!”
The girlies would like some narcotics. Ok, hear me out: Swift loves the sesh. For years, I’ve felt in my waters that her NYC loft has seen a dinga or two, her music too perfectly caters to the lifestyle. These completely unfounded accusations do nothing but endear her to me, and ensure I will never be employed by a reputable publication.
“Naw, The Alchemy is Travis’s first song <3”
This is subtext for: holy fuck if Taylor Swift was heartbroken over Matty Healy not Joe Alwyn turns out Travis Kelce might be the fucking rebound from Healy not Healy the rebound from Joe so what is the fate of footballer Travis or will she just stay with him because he seems nice and silly and Healy was a cad.
“No, I’m not coming to my senses”
Life is more interesting when people make terrible choices. See: ‘But Daddy I Love Him’.
“WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT 2024 BEING THE YEAR OF FEMININE SEETHING?”
A pathetic attempt by yours truly to make ‘Feminine Seething’ the new girlhood, as predicted by the first Dis Content of 2024.
Quick one because your girl has a spasming neck from typing at a computer. It’s pathetic, it’s chaos, it’s revelry. If you actually want to listen to the album I suggest starting with ‘Fortnight’ (because that is the first song), ‘Down Bad’, ‘I Can Do It With a Broken Heart’, ‘So Long, London’ and ‘So High School.’
I need to take myself to bed.