The Masters coming out of their shell
Hello uncultured swine!
The giveaway winner is in THIS WEEK’S Dis Content but I’m forcing you to scroll for it because it makes me feel powerful. The painting is a small thanks (of which there will be more) to you, my precious’s, who share my love of art and tomfoolery. This is a hallowed space. And I love it. Onto other important matters: three of the greatest artists in the world died and reincarnated as turtles. I think we need to talk about that.
The Traditional Trinity of Great Masters
Contrary to popular opinion, there was more than one renaissance painter. Actually, according to my sources there were entire guilds full of the c*nts, but none so iconic as Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci and Raphael. This threesome form the Traditional Trinity of Great Masters for the renaissance period, and each had lives that I intend to harvest for content. We’ll also touch on their turtles and how accurate these reincarnates actually are.
Leonardo da Vinci
I’m taking a punt and guessing this one you know the most about. The oldest of the clan, da Vinci is the founder of High Renaissance thought, providing the blueprint for his many imitators – Michelangelo and Raphael included. Yes, da Vinci was a genius, but he was also a hot mess, dipping his nib in drafting, engineering, science, theorising, sculpture, and architecture. In spite of his many, many interests he’s best known, of course, for painting.
The lad was born in 1452 out of wedlock and raised by his paternal grandfather (we think) modestly. He was given basic education and showed immediate promise as an artist, so was encouraged to pursue art as a profession (imagine). Da Vinci didn’t have stacks he just hustled, finding work as a studio assistant in Florence and eventually becoming an apprentice to the same folk that trained Botticelli. By 20, that humble bastard was officially a painting master. I have chills.
Insert all the stuff he did before painting the The Last Supper here (trust me, you don’t care). During his initial Milanese period the Duke of Milan commissioned this work for the Convent of Santa Maria delle Grazie and was completed in c.1498, da Vinci was 46. Viewers of the masterpiece were like this :O due to his expert use of space, perspective and human expression. He was already a popular artist by this point but The Last Supper cemented his place in Western canon for, well, 5 centuries and counting.
Similar canon continues for works such as Virgin of the Rocks for being really neat, Mona Lisa for its pyramidal composition, gaze and ability to disappoint millions of Le Louvre visitors annually; as well as the Vitruvian man, which clearly exhibits da Vinci’s interest in science and art. He never married and little was recorded about his personal life, though he reportedly had ‘loving and passionate’ relationships with his male pupils and was charged with sodomy so do with that what you will.
After writing all this, and researching all this, I STILL DON’T KNOW WHAT MAKES HIM SO TECHNICALLY SIGNIFICANT. I don’t know. What I do know is for man with only 25 attributed paintings white people write fucking heaps about him so there might’ve been more information about why he’s so good but I had to skim babes because it was too much and I wanted my life back. I like him though. Can’t say much for the turtle.
Michelangelo
Arsehole energy from Michelangelo. He didn’t consider himself a painter, more of a marble carving man, but as well as his iconic statues, Michelangelo painted some of the most recognisable renaissance Frescos whatever that means. The work? Very popular and still popular half a millennium on. The man? Simply, no.
A fellow Florentine artist, Michelangelo was born to wealthy, well connected folk but I’m trying not to hold that against him. He was sent to a good school and at the age of 13 was apprenticed to Domenico Ghirlandaio to help with the Sistine Chapel walls. Ghirlandaio then connected Michelangelo to the most powerful patron in Italy, Lorenzo de’ Medici, and from that point the teenager’s career was effectively sealed.
For a godly man his first masterpiece came about in a pretty ungodly way. After a turn in fate for the Medici’s, him and Lorenzo sold a counterfeit ‘ancient sculpture’ to make some quick cash. Though Michelangelo was good at art, he were dumb. A middle man took most of the scams earnings and the buyer figured it was a fake immediately. But himbo’s always land on their feet, and the buyer was so impressed by Michelangelo’s fake, he commissioned him to do Pieta for real.
I’m so mad because this is actually good. Michelangelo studied cadavers and it shows, the detail is mind-boggling and I’d wager even more so in situ. He was 24. The statue of David followed Pieta closely in 1504, the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel 1508 – 12 and The Creation of Adam in 1510. Granted, his arrogance has receipts.
So, why do I dislike him so? Michelangelo, The Ninja Turtle, is a jock. He’s a boisterous and good humoured Ninja Turtle who’s low in intelligence but naturally gifted. Though Michelangelo the painter was, indeed, a himbo, he was not a fun one which is by far the worst combination. A bizzarro e fantastico, he was a solitary person with a morbid disposition. In the Trinity physically but certainly not spiritually, Michelangelo loathed Leonardo and actively accused Raphael of poor imitation. And he stank apparently. Just a stinky man.
Raphael
Raffaello Santi was a renaissance painter, architect and yummy coconut-white chocolate truffle.
I like to think he’s the indie choice of the Trinity because let’s face it almost no one knows who the fuck he is. His legacy is often lost in the shadow of da Vinci and Michelangelo, but apparently his Fresco’s that look like all the other renaissance Fresco’s are, in fact, uniquely Raphaelesque. Let’s see about that.
Ok I already like him. Raphael was born into a creative, intelligentsia family, his father working as a court painter for the Duke of Urbino. Not for long but - the wee lad was orphaned by 11 and, having already shown skill, assumed the family workshop. Urbino court placed strong emphasis on decorum and civility so by all accounts Raphael was a lovely young man. Talent may have opened doors but his kindness came equally recommended. As such he was a painting master by 17.
Lacking a steady home base, Raphael was nomadic for most of his short life. He made regular trips to Florence, where he absorbed the influence of da Vinci and stinky Michelangelo. His earlier work had balance and clarity often seen in later Classical styles, but the influence of Florence loosened him and he became more expressive. Like his predecessor, Raphael’s most-known masterpiece is in Rome: the Stanza della Segnatura (1511).
This is the first of what’s known as the ‘Raphael Rooms’. The stir he caused by the panoramic mural’s was on par with Margaret Qualley’s breasts in The Substance. Bountiful for a small space and beautiful to behold. This room contains Parnassus, The School of Athens (top) and Disputa whatever that means. He might be best known for these but Raphael’s large body of easel painting work was equally impressive, see Portrait of a Young Woman immediately above.
Also like his predecessors, Raphael never married. He was instead a certified fuck boy (understanding my faint attraction now) who enjoyed many lovers. The most enduring was a bakers daughter, Margherita Lutia (above). At the young age of 37, Raphael fucked himself to death. I’m not joking. He died of sexual exhaustion, a storyline they failed to include in the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. In his advanced illness he farewelled the bakery goddess, financially secured her future, received his last rites and atoned for his naughty little sins.
I like Raphael. Because I like my artists born in a mouldy cardboard box only surviving off stale bread, the need to make art, and amphetamines. That’s how a like them. A bitta character, some tribulations and some substance. Was he the most influential of the Trinity? No. But he was, without fail, the hottest.
The Trinity and The Turtles
Nothing is accurate in this wildlife documentary. Leonardo was portrayed as mature and genteel when he was flaky as fuck, Michelangelo was realistically a boring grizzly c*nt and Raphael was not aggressive like his reptilian reincarnate. He was kind, soft, gentle, loving, talented. My deduction: the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is Michelangelo propaganda. And as for Donatello? I forgot about him completely.
Ok, Fuck Marry Kill: the Trinity. I’d fuck Raphael (obviously), marry Leonardo and kill Michelangelo. Sometimes I think what if I get famous and people find this shit. I’d be cancelled in a New York Minute.
Now for the Dis Content Giveaway draw:
YAY to MEGGIE for winning THE PAINTING! (please reply to this email with your postal address!) AND ALSO DEE W.! for a secret second prize.
Thank you to everyone who entered and please note there will be more in the future! (even internationally!!!) Support local artists dudes! love you, love Grace, love corn.
C U Next Tuesday xxxxx