Hello Cultured Fellows,
Last week I waxed lyrical about how honourable Sir Ken Done is for bucking artistic institutions and I think you were like, um why? I’ve since come to my senses. After yet another soup attack (at Le Louvre no less!) I thought I ought to bolster the institutions’ morale by hosting each a fantasy e-Gala, inviting their most esteemed donors, replete with canapes and beverage choices.
Ready your Bollinger La Côte aux Enfants and any canape with the word ‘foam’ in it, we’re gala-ing:
Art Gallery of NSW
So close to home I could walk there in my Manolo’s! Currently exhibiting Wassily Kandinsky and a really large spider by Louis Bourgeois (unfortunate last name), Art Gallery of NSW is a cultural institution upheld by Australia’s most charitable yacht enthusiasts.
Donor Guest List:
Leadership donors, gambling machine royalty and good friends, the Ainsworth Family, also known as Aristocrat Leisure (Google them!)
Gretel Packer, daughter of 9 News media mogul, Kerry Packer of course! Lovely family, I pickle-ball with them regularly
Lord Voldemort, also known as The Dark Lord and leader of the Death Eater party
Thoroughbred racing enthusiast and mass poultry farmer, John Ingham! (or Ingy, as he’s affectionately known at the club)
The Lowy family of Westfield fortune. Never been but heard their centres are a smorgasbord of working-class culture
John Grill (pictured above). Previously involved with ExxonMobil now CEO of engineering company, Worley, who have photos of grass and water (for the lefties!) but work in mining, resources and petrochemicals with partners such as BP
Bradley Cooper’s cargo pants.
Menu:
Ingham’s Creamy Chicken Soup as amuse bouche
Anchovy and caramelised onion crostata with fresh rocket and a lemon drizzle.
Wine pairing:
Mount Pleasant Full-bodied Dry Red Mountain Shiraz
(recommended by donor and billionaire developer, Jin Lin, “My customers love the fruity shiraz.” Noted!)
The Metropolitan Museum of Art
The poor Met! It had soup pouring in from the lefties after a Stan expose on its relationship with the Oxycontin spruiking Sackler family. With the unfortunate publicity behind us, we Gala-on sans Sackler money but pro clear conscience.
Donor Guest List:
Kayne Anderson Capital Investors, who invest in oil, gas and energy and who I won’t begrudge for not inviting me to their holiday home in Ibiza
TowerBrook who also invest in oil, gas and energy but did invite me to their holiday home in Ibiza
The Anglo-American Charitable Fund! My georgy friends at Vedanta run this philanthropic enterprise. Vedanta Resources enjoy sailing, Mojitos (we’ve shared many!) and plundering oil, gas and iron ore from India, Zambia and Australia
Count Dracula
Greg Wendt’s Capital Group Companies who invest in tabacco (which we love!) and weapons manufacturers (oopsy doopsy! high yielding stocks though!)
HVAC pipe manufacturers, Aeroflex Foundation. No skeletons in this closet, only good, clean alleged weaponry and defence embroilment.
Paris Hilton with patron and husband, Carter Reum. I shit you not. That this man makes donations is befuddling.
Menu:
Spicy Tomato Soup as amuse bouche (“That’s hot,” Paris Hilton)
Climate scientist’s hopes and dreams
Wine Pairing
Miraval Côtes de Provence Rosé
The Tate
At this point in my fantasy e-Gala world tour I got a bit depressed. The Tate makes it difficult to find donor invitees (after affiliating with the Sackler family also) so I deferred my party planning to cuddle my mum and tell her I love her.
:( :( :(
Pressing on:
Donor Guest List:
Previous donors, BP
Bank of America
Microsoft (conspiracy theorists eat your heart out)
Paul Hollywood’s Glare as a Great British Bake Off contestant over-whips cream
Poor people’s fast fashion brand Uniqlo, who make/distribute 600 million garments per annum
The other 70% private donors. WHO THE FUCK ARE THEY TATE? I will lose sleep over this.
Menu:
Cheddar Cheese Soup (contents similarly unknowable) with crushed Prozac as amuse bouche
Salmon steaks with a Creamy Mustard Vinaigrette served on a bed of micro-greens
Wine Pairing
Lots
Le Louvre
We’ve flown to oui oui Paris, wolfed down a cwassaint and ensconced ourselves in un petit apartment before heading to Le Louvre, only to discover some greenies are strewn about Géricault! Yes, Le Louvre has been targeted by activists, most famously Mona Lisa getting cream pied, and is most in need of our Gala glow up.
Donor Guest List:
Canadian oil company, Total. Dotty told Kitty not to tell Janine because she’d tell the press our Canadian friends are ‘rumoured’ donors but pussy’s out of the bag now!
Mr Wickham
I hate to invite new money though AirBnb are affiliates and have done enough evil to warrant a seat at the table
Aforementioned fingers in many pie’s fashion brand, Uniqlo
Menu:
Pumpkin Soup as amuse bouche (portion size to discourage lobbing)
Lemon and Thyme stuffed Bream with butter garlic steamed beans and spiced carrot puree
Wine Pairing
Maison Champy Chablis 1er Cru 2017
Chin chin!
I’m not going to mince my words, the donors and buyers in the art industry are alarming and the soup throwing more and more rational. I GOT RID OF establishments in my list (cough British Museum) because I was deflated completely.
This is why Ken Done feels like a warm hug.
If you feel icky after this but still want to support art, buy from the artist or small gallerists, support social services that give creatives a living wage, and tax reform for small businesses and sole traders! Touch some grass, have a tea and buy some fucking Ken Done for fucks fucking sake.
THANK YOU FOR READING I LOVE YOU SO SO MUCH, thanks for editing Grace as per usual and get in touch via email reply or some shit if you feel compelled!
C U Next Tuesday,
Maggie Jean