The Art of A Kiss
Snog, pash, French, neck, hook-up, lips, make-out, tongue, smooch, suck face
Dear uncultured swine,
I’m in NO MOOD to nourish myself so have been watching Love Island UK. If you think I’m about to dunk on the artistic merit of this viewing, think again. Philosophical chats in swimsuits, men gifting women slivers of salmon in the shape of a heart and diabolical mind games – it’s flawless. Well, almost flawless.
Every time the contestants go in for a kiss – and this isn’t hyperbole – I want to die. Flashbacks to me at fifteen or on every hinge date I’ve been on; the sound of them smacking lips should be illegal. To heal my soul, we’re looking at 10 kisses in art that make it look like an enjoyable thing to do. Clean your horn-rims and settle in.
10. Ted and Victoria Not Kissing in How I Met Your Mother
It’s kiss one and I’m already throwing the single pre-requisite for this listicle in the trash. When Victoria instructed Ted to tease the moment before a kiss and never actually kiss her, she either knew a good kiss is contingent on anticipation, or was masterful at dodging a stranger’s sexual advances. Either way the non-kiss was hot and something I’ve personally mastered after three years single. Moving on.
9. Pretty much anything by Marc Chagall
Chagall had a wonderful marriage and apparently the flexibility of a gymnast. The Birthday and Blue Lovers (above) are a perfect encapsulation of what happens when the flame becomes a warm ember. These kisses are always relished in hindsight; a little peck while doing the dishes, a quick kiss before heading out, the intimacy that’s so casual it’s muscle memory.
8. Just Two Good Friends Wrestling in Sex Education
A quintessential enemies to lovers arc. Scene opens: Dear god Adam don’t bully sweet Eric, Adam leave that boy alone, they’re wrestling oh no, they spat on each others faces???? Aw they’re kissing <3 End scene. The emotional hockey between revolted and turned on here needs to be studied.
7. The Kiss by Edvard Munch
Munch had a knack for painting hot nonsense that got a feeling so so right. In The Kiss, he couldn’t even be fucked detailing two faces so instead painted a homogenous blob where the two lovers meet. Is this not accurate though? That during a kiss you feel like one organism instead of two? Two brains, one thought? Or, in the case of Love Island's Joey Essex, one brain, no thoughts?
6. Christian Eating Toast Out of Anastasia’s Hand in Fifty Shades of Grey
My god I disliked this film, I disliked it so much. And not because I consider myself an arbiter of taste (I’ve watched Irish Wish more than once) but because it gave me bad bad not good ptsd in every scene except one. The way Christian leans over and bites that damn piece of toast in Dakota Johnson’s (character name is irrelevant) hand. Woof. How his lips accidentally brushed her fingers - it’s that type of thoughtless touch from an inscrutable partner that makes your genitals explode.
5. Kissing Coppers by Banksy
Now we know that homosexuality was actually illegal because hets aren’t as hot. This is such a playful piece so rarely afforded to queer representation in art, but aside from its literal tongue in cheek-ness, the kiss is top tier. Sucking some bottom lip with a thumb brushing the jaw, just two boys in blue knocking batons and I’m taking notes.
4. Car Lesson Scene in John Tucker Must Die
“That kiss needed to last longer” YouTube User, @The0ptimus
3. The Hay Bale in Ten Things I Hate About You
Cover me in paint and roll me to Heath Ledger. With callous disregard for single use plastic, our lovers lob paint balls at one another before falling into a bale of hay. Ledger then throws his safety goggles off with panache, sweeps Kat’s paint-soaked hair to the side, and gently plants one on her. Love Island's Konnor, asked to see if a girl tinted her eyelashes before swooping in to neck the long-lashed woman. The distinction is sobering.
2. Mural del Beso by Joan Fontcuberta (above)
Hot.
1. The Hand Flex in Pride and Prejudice (2005)
It's best practice to not introduce a new argument in your conclusion so, I'll reiterate: A. Good. Kiss. Is. Made. By. Anticipation (and intuitive tongue use). After Mr Darcy assists Elizabeth Bennet into a carriage, his hand does this little flex. Like there’s energy that needed an involuntary outlet. It's the most sexually charged three second clip of a hand since records began and it alone makes their eventual union so deeply satisfying. Bring back yearning.
Reading my list over I can’t understand how heterosexual men get it so wrong. All I want is for you to eat bread out of my hand but not in a knowing way, kiss me without touching me and after holding my hand, flex your fingers like you hated it. Not rocket science.
Thank you for reading WOW genuinely shocks me. Don’t feel too coy, if you have thoughts, recommendations on what to critique or references that NO ONE ELSE WOULD GET - feel free to reply. I have no embarrassment valve. I love weird shit. I love these chats we have, I think about it all the time <3
C U Next Tuesday <3 <3 Maggie Jean xxxxxx
PS Thanks to editor, Grace, who deserves a pay-rise from a corporate powerhouse like me xx
